Sam’s Story

When I started to feel the nudge to share publicly the part of our marriage that we have kept mostly private up to now, I was both excited & terrified. Excited to share what God has done, yet terrified to share such a dark part of our life. I took my uncertainty to God, “Lord, I’m just not sure that I want to tell everyone our story”, to which He answered, “This isn’t your story, it’s My story”.

It was then I knew that I had to share this story of God’s unbelievable love that held me tight through all of my rebellion, His grace that covers my sins completely & allows Him to see me now, white as snow & His power that miraculously made a way that my husband & I would not only make it through but be thriving after what should have destroyed us completely. 

I was about 15 years into what I thought was a near-perfect marriage when I entered into what would end up becoming a year & a half long affair. I knew that I loved my husband, I knew that I loved my God, so how could this have happened? Everything was going so well.

What I didn’t realize was that I’d become comfortable to a fault, even lazy with my heart. Guarding my mind & heart as well as setting healthy boundaries weren’t a priority as they should’ve been. After all, I’d been a Christian for over 20 years and married for 15 years at this point, I had an overall feeling of, “I've got this.”

As a child, I'd seen first hand the damage & pain infidelity caused and so I despised even the thought of such things. And in my pride, thinking I was above ever having an affair, I let boundaries slide that I should’ve been more cautious about. I allowed a friendship that began as something innocent to move into something more. It didn't just happen out of nowhere, it was a slow & very subtle journey getting there.  

Dave & I had always confided in one other about everything, and so it took me only a few days to tell him the first time a line was crossed. He was devastated, but forgave me & told me that he loved me. I knew we had a rough road ahead but at least we were moving forward, or so I thought.

It didn’t take long for that door that had been opened with this other man to become a weak point that I once again ended up walking through, only this time it felt heavier & darker.  It crept in slowly, one small bad decision after another, one subtle boundary crossed after another, until I was in it further than I even realized.

You’d think that it would’ve been easy to at any point just stop, to walk away from that which was destroying myself & others. I had moments where I wanted to end the affair and I would even resolve to stop. But all it took was a bad day or a fight with Dave and I went right back to it, much like a drug addict going back to the drug that they know is destroying them. The more time went on, the more defeated & numbed out I became.

God gave me numerous warnings, ways out of the temptations that would come my way. I ignored most of them. It’s hard to explain how I could ignore blatant warnings from God, sin had weakened my heart & my fight for what I knew was right. 

I can relate to David when he says in Psalms 40, “My heart pounds, my strength fails me, even the light has gone from my eyes”…he goes on to say. ”My sins have overtaken me & I cannot see. They are more than the hairs on my head & my heart fails within me.”

Once I began to see with clear vision, the reality of what had happened, what I had done, how I had hurt not only my own family but also someone’s else family…my sorrow and regret were almost unbearable. One of the many ways that God opened my eyes to the damage that I was doing was one evening when I got a call from a friend from church. Her husband was having an affair with a co-worker and she had called me to vent her feelings. She had no idea that I too was having an affair. After listening to her broken heart, anger & tears it opened my eyes to see even more clearly the pain that I was causing others. This phone conversation was a gift from God as well as a literal wake up call for me. Within a few weeks, I ended my affair.

“When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord, and you forgave the guilt of my sin...” Psalms 32:3-5

I finally confessed & repented to God and He told me that I needed to do the same with Dave. I knew that I could risk losing Dave by telling him but I also knew that we couldn’t move forward unless I was totally honest with him. I asked God to prepare my husband’s heart for what he was about to hear. I had a surprising peace about the conversation knowing that whatever happened I would be alright because God was with me. God made it very clear that He still loved me, that He forgave me & had a future for me with Him. 

God extending His love to me in this moment is not something that I take lightly. I tried to earn God’s love my whole life. Growing up my dad was married 9 times. I’d watch him go from woman to woman, time & time again. As a young girl, I would think to myself, “I’d better be enough or dad will discard me as well, I’d better be good enough, interesting enough, thin enough, smart enough, etc.” That thought process transferred over to my relationship with God. I thought to myself, I’d better do all the right things & be good enough so that God will love me. I was striving for His love. 

Once this affair happened, all of the things that I was counting on to earn God’s love were shattered. And yet when I came to God with it & asked for forgiveness as well as a change of heart, God poured out His love on me so lavishly, told me He wasn’t going anywhere & that He was for me. He assured me that I had hope & a future. He welcomed me back so fully just like he welcomed the prodigal son home. This was a life-changer for me.

So I sat Dave down & told him everything. As you can imagine, this was the most difficult conversation I’ve had with anyone, ever. Thankfully my husband’s heart had indeed been prepared, something I’d specifically been praying for. Of course, he felt everything you would expect; sad, mad, hurt, but once again my husband forgave me. He said that he knew that what I had done was not who I truly am. God allowed me to see in human form a glimpse of God's love & forgiveness which has had a profound impact on my life. 

It’s been many years now & Dave never holds any of this over my head, he doesn’t use it when we argue, he sees me for who I am through the blood of Christ, forgiven & pure. I often hear my husband telling people that I am the most Godly woman he knows. Anyone who knows our story might say or at least think, "How could he say that after everything Sam did.” But that’s what unconditional love & unbelievable grace looks like. It is the crux of all that we, as Christians, believe in. Without forgiveness & grace, we are without hope. We must look at scripture & how God deals with his people when they mess up and offer ourselves & others that same grace & love.

God is good & faithful even when we are not. He pursues us because we are His. His desire is to redeem our mistakes & make us whole again. May we all grasp how wide and deep and lavish is the love of Christ.

Psalm 40:2-3

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God…